The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
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I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.