My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
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1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?