You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
You Might Also Like
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
this will hang in the louvre one day
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed