My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
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My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Natty or not?
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER