I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
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Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
The devil.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.