Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
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Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Canadian owl: Eh?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀