Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
You Might Also Like
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one