9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
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* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I’m not stressed
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.