I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
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Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’