I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
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3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP