My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
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My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
🤣
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.