I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
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The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Happy Friday
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.