Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
You Might Also Like
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious