Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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Don’t we all.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Body by cheese-puffs.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.