Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
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Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut