My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty