Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
You Might Also Like
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this