No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
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I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.