Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
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HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.