Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
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me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…