Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
You Might Also Like
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?