Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
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*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Bloody internet 😳
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I’ve had worse
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards