I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
You Might Also Like
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom