I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
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These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Are you ok, human???
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*