dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
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I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
🤣🤣🤣
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.