And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
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Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes