Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?