Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
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Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.