an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
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My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Bless you
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
me after drinking all the wine:
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it