2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
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The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Nice try, poison.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
same bro
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs