I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
*seductively corrects your posture*
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Reporter: *ports again*
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.