Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
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To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”