Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
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How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains