It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
You Might Also Like
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*