When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
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When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.