This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
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Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Venn
When I snag the last meatball.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
See..?
.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Autocorrect completely socks
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”