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If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
My Sentiments Exactly
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.