Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
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[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.