FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill