me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.