thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
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To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
This makes total sense…
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
what kind of cook setting is this??
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.