I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
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i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
dictator is short for richard potato
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…