The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
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I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Breaking news:
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.