That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
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Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
this could fix me
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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