Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
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My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
waiting for halloween be like:
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit