“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
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/Expectation:
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.