When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
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Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
How about daylight saves us for once