[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
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EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
“i am a sweet baby”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
My first child will be named New Folder.