Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
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my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.