It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
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Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”